What Am I Doing Here?
by tojo1973
Summary: Both Elizabeth and Jason go to the one place they always felt at peace. Set around May, 2006. Liason


**Elizabeth's POV:**

What am I doing here? I haven't been here in years. In fact, I've purposely avoided this place, because the memories are too intense. I wanted to put them behind me, because it was the only way to move on.

But things never work out the way you want them do they? I thought my life was finally working out. I had a good job, a wonderful little boy who brings joy into my life everyday, and I was married to my childhood sweetheart. We were going to be a family. It was going to be the life I always dreamed of for myself. When did it turn into a nightmare?

When Lucky hurt his back, things started going downhill fast. He was suspicious, jealous of every guy I even spoke to, and always snapping at me. I didn't even realize the amount of pain killers he'd been taking. How could I not notice? I'm a nurse, for crying out loud. I should have seen the signs.

The money situation was rough, yes, but I was taking care of it. He should have trusted and had faith in me. But, instead he pushed me away more and more with his suspicions and accusations. Finally, it got too much. He told me to get the hell out of his life, me and my bastard son. I know that he was way too far gone on the pain pills, but I knew that somewhere, he was telling me what he really thought. So I left. I took my son, and I rented a room at Kelly's. I know it's not much, but it'll do just fine until we're back on our feet.

I feel like a fool. I thought that marrying Lucky was the best thing that could have happened to me. Everyone was pulling for us, "encouraging" us to get together. What a joke. Yet again, I let others influence my decisions. I thought I had put that part of my life behind me. Guess it's hard to let old habits die. Just like feelings that keep creeping back up on you when you least expect it.

Who, you ask? Just the only person on this planet who every really knew me, the real me, Elizabeth Webber. He always knew what I was feeling or thinking before I even said anything. He never let me get away with lying to him about what I was feeling, because he could see right through me. He'd saved me. No, not just physically, but hey, he's done that so many times, I've lost count. Whenever I felt like giving up, or giving in, he was always there to give me the strength to carry on.

He has always made me feel strong, still does. Though our "friendship" has been distant these past few years, our paths would always cross right when one of us just needed to be. It's like we just know when one of us needs the other. That connection, it's never gone anywhere.

I went to him for help with Manny. At the time, I thought and really believed I did it because I wanted to keep Lucky safe, but it was more than that. I know that now.

He didn't even hesitate. He never did when it came to keeping me safe. I should've realized that he would always be there for me. While we hadn't been all that close recently, there is never anything that would keep him from helping me if I needed it.

And why couldn't I see it? Because I really didn't want to. I wanted to go on clueless to this connection we have, because then I can move on, and not think about something I could never have.

I saw his face when Sam was shot. He was devastated. I realized just how much he really loved her. As heartless as it sounds, I was jealous. It hurt so much that he felt that way for someone else, but I wasn't about to let him down. I was there for him, just like he was there for me.

And now, I'm back here. Back where I had the most amazing time in my life. He stayed here with me when he was shot. I took care of him, fed him soup. Yeah, lots and lots of soup. I doubt he ever eats it anymore, considering the gallons I shoved down his throat. We talked. Well, I did mostly, and he just listened. He's so good at that, listening. He was the only one who really heard me.

I'll never forget how he looked with paper chains around his neck, looking at our little Christmas tree. It felt good. It felt right to be there with him, share that with him.

So much has happened since then. We took a chance, and then it disintegrated. I know, I walked away from him. That wasn't my first mistake.

Now I know that I never really got over him. I know that he's the one that I should have tried harder with. Ever since then, I've just been playing at being happy. He's the only one I was truly happy with.

I look around the studio, and the memories overrun my brain, as well as my heart. This place is covered with him. It fills me with a peace that I haven't felt in so long. Like a security blanket, it enfolds me in its warmth. It fills me with serenity; it comforts me, like only he can.

I lie down on the rickety old couch and close my eyes. These past few weeks have drained me, and I just want to slip into the past, when it was just him and me.

I know I can't have him, but at least I have the memories. And it has to be enough.

**JASON'S POV:**

What am I doing here? I was just on my bike, taking a ride, letting the past few months of my life disappear for a little while. I didn't even realize where I ended up. Now I'm here, in front of this door. I had this door installed. It seems like a lifetime ago, yet just yesterday. The memories have been swarming around me lately, I just can't shake them. I don't think I really want to.

My life has been nothing less than horrible these past few months. My decisions have caused a domino-effect in my life. As a result, my relationship with my sister, and the man I respect more than anyone, will forever be changed. I can't take back what I've done, but there was really no other choice. Of course, it all backfired. I was convinced Sonny would leave Emily once I took away his business. I thought the business meant more to him than anything. I guess I underestimated just how much he loves her. He chose Emily. I couldn't believe it. After Sam was shot, and I realized it wasn't Sonny who ordered the hit, I backed off. I realized that I was doing exactly the opposite of what I stand for: I was dictating to other people how to live their lives. I did it for my sister, but still, I should have had faith in her as well as Sonny. While we are slowly starting to put it behind us, it's still strained, and probably always will be.

As for Sam, well that's a whole other story. When she was shot, I felt so responsible. I knew the bullet was meant for me. I was the one who turned her around. I just needed to see her. I went to the Metrocourt first thing because I just wanted her in my arms. When she collapsed against me, it felt like my world was falling apart.

When they told us that she would have to get a hysterectomy, my heart sunk. The only thing she's wanted since she lost her daughter was a baby. We had so many plans for a family. The doctors, they tried so hard to save her without having to do the procedure, but all other attempts failed. She never got over it. She never forgave me either for telling Alexis she was her daughter. I thought it was what she wanted me to do. I would hear her while she was asleep. She kept saying over and over "Alexis, I'm your daughter." I thought that I could give her something. I thought I could give her her mother. She screamed at me that it wasn't my right. Once she was out of the hospital, she packed up her stuff from the penthouse and left. She's since been spending time with Alexis, and they've formed a relationship. Of course, Alexis has been feeding Sam her own opinions of me and my life, and she's buying into it. I should have known that she never really had any faith in me. If she did, Alexis' words wouldn't hold any weight to her. But they did, and she's permanently out of my life. I guess I should be pining away for her, but I just can't. It's sad and horrible to say, but it didn't take me all that long to get over her. My thoughts, as of late, have been on another brunette. Only this one has these beautiful blue eyes that seem to look right through me.

We came together all those years ago out of grief. We connected that day. I took her for a ride on my bike, and my life had forever changed since then. I had never had someone so accepting of who I was. I never knew anyone who would stand up for me to everyone she knew. She always did that. She never made me feel stupid or wanted me to be different for her. Everyone else did, even Sam.

She took care of me here. She laid me on that old beat-up couch, and sewed me up, and fed me soup, so much that to this day, the thought of it makes me shudder. She stood up to Nikolas, even lied to him about our relationship. She did the same to her grandmother too. I never met anyone so strong and so determined.

I had left, more than once, because I thought it would be better for her. This life, my life is no place for someone as good and as beautiful as she is. I tried to stay away from her while I was here, but it was too difficult. Finally, I realized I couldn't stay away if I tried. By that time, though, Lucky had come back. I knew it was out of obligation that she stayed with him, and maybe I shouldn't have pushed her that day in the park. I just wanted to leave this place and everyone in it behind, and just be with her. She chose to stay with him, though. I never felt hurt like that before, not when Robin betrayed me, not when Carly slept with Sonny. It felt like my heart was being ripped in two.

I came back, and it was as if we just fell back into place. And yet again, I pushed her away. A lot of good that did her, since she was shot and kidnapped. I thought I wasn't what she needed. Hell, I thought even Zander was better for her than me. It never felt as right as it was when I kissed her that day at Vista Pointe. Even though we had kissed before, this time was different, even better. I felt like I was home. I thought we stood a shot when we had that conversation in my penthouse. We were going to try. I really blew that one didn't I? I did the one thing I never wanted to do out of duty. Then I let her walk out, didn't go after, and to top it off, got involved with Sonny's sister. Why? She was safe. She couldn't hold my heart the way this petite woman with beautiful brown hair, and blues that remind me of the deepest ocean could.

I moved on because I felt I had to. After the whole Courtney fiasco, I still couldn't see that she was a replacement for someone else. I figured I'd absorb myself with helping Sonny and Carly out with their never-ending problems and wouldn't have to think about my sorry life. That's how the whole thing with Sam started.

But she was always there, in the back of my mind. She always knew when I needed her, without saying a word. She never judges me. She can see right through me. Sometimes it's scary how much she can get inside me. Mostly, though, it comforts me in a way that I've never felt before.

I realize that I've been standing here for a while. I must look like an idiot. I slide my key into the lock. Yeah, I still have the key. I could never really part with it. I need to feel close to her, and I know I can do that here.

She has her own life. She doesn't need me to complicate things. I can't go to her with my feelings about her. She has enough to deal with. So the only thing I can do is look back at all she has given to me.

I take a deep breath and open the door. This place will always be special to me. It brought me closer to her. It's all I have right now. It'll just have to be enough.

**PART THREE:**

Jason opened the door slowly, ready to take in all that the studio meant to him. What he saw shook him down to the core.

Elizabeth was lying down on the sofa. She was lying on her side, her head resting against the arm. Her body was curled up, legs in toward her stomach, one hand resting on her stomach, the other hanging slightly off the side. Her eyes were closed tight, and her lips were formed into a slight smile. She looked so peaceful. To him, she looked like an angel.

He stood there, in the open doorway, frozen. His mind was telling him to back out of the room softly, and just let her sleep, but his body wouldn't cooperate. She had captivated him just by being there. His breathing was shallow, as if he was struggling to breathe. She always seemed to take his breathe away.

After a few moments, he took in a deep breathe to gain his composure. He closed his eyes tight and hung his head. He had to leave. He couldn't be around her right now. Everything he had been thinking about was there, and for her to be right in front of him, it was too much. He turned slowly, bringing the door with him when he heard his name softly spoken.

"Jason?"

Her voice floated over him softly, and slowly he turned around to face her. She hadn't sat up yet, but her head was lifted, her eyes searching his.

"Um…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I'll leave you alone."

She thought she was still dreaming. She had been dreaming of him and now he's here, right in front of her. She'd woken up as he was just turning to walk out. Why was he leaving? Please, please don't leave. All she could say was his name.

As she watched him start to turn back around, she shot up from the couch and ran over to the door, grabbing his hand.

"No, it's fine. Please, come on in."

He looked down at their intertwined hands, and felt the warmth of her hand flowing to his. His eyes slowly moved up to her face, then her eyes. Those eyes that could pull him in, and make him never want to leave.

He nodded slowly, and let her lead him over to the couch, sitting back against the arm. He sat on the other side, and sat watching as she adjusted herself to face him, sitting on her left leg, her other dangling over the side.

They sat there in silence for a moment, not really sure what to say to each other. He was looking down at his hands clasped together, she was fiddling with a thread coming out of the top of the couch. When they finally looked toward each other at the same time, both of them let out little laughs.

Finally he spoke up. "How have you been?"

She looked down and shrugged, "I'm surviving. It gets pretty cramped for me and Cam in that little room above Kelly's, but we're doing okay."

He nodded slowly. He knew better than to believe her, but he didn't want to push.

"It's good to see you getting on with your life. I'm just sorry that Cam had to get caught in all of it."

"Well, it's not his fault it didn't work out with Lucky and I. I hate that he got so close to him, though. The separation is a little difficult, but it's for the best. I can't have my son around someone who would hurt themselves the way Lucky is. The drug problem has gotten completely out of hand." Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears.

He reached over and grabbed her hand and squeezed softly, offering her all his support.

"Hey. Cam is going to be fine. He has his mother's strength and determination. He'll get through this, and so will you."

She smiled, warmed at the way he spoke lovingly of her son.

Taking a deep breathe, she leaned closer to him. "So how about you? How are you doing?"

Looking away briefly, he said softly, "I'm fine."

She squeezed his hand and tugged softly, making him look up at her.

"Don't do that, not with me."

He breathed out slowly and looked up at the ceiling.

"Me and Emily are talking again, Sonny too. It's still uncomfortable, and strained, but it's a start."

She nodded, knowing all of the events that have happened between Jason and the couple.

"It's never going to be the way it was, but it's better."

She shrugged softly. "You never know, it could be better than before too."

His brow creased as he looked at her. "What do you mean?"

"Well, this whole situation was due to the fact that you were scared of what would happen to Em if Sonny went to that dark place again. Maybe this opened his eyes to the problems that he had in the past, and maybe he'll work that much harder to prevent it from happening again."

He looked at her for a moment, contemplating what she said. A small smile played on his lips.

"You make it sound so simple."

She laughed softly. "Yeah, normally that's your job."

He nodded, giving a silent laugh. Neither one of them realized that they were still holding hands.

There was a calming silence for a few moments. Not uncomfortable, but soothing. They always had that. There never had to be endless chatter and noise, both of them reveling in the calmness it gave.

Elizabeth bit her lip softly, looking down at her hands.

"So, have you talked to Sam recently?"

"Yeah, I just saw her yesterday. She's doing ok. She just passed her GED, and is starting college next semester."

She nodded. She didn't want to talk about Sam, but she wanted to be there for Jason if he needed to talk.

"How are you doing with everything? I mean, you guys were engaged, and now, all the sudden, it's over. And before you stay 'I'm fine,' you can just forget it. I know you Jason. It has to hurt."

He looked up at her and smiled. She was the only one who could get him to open up. He moved his free hand up and slid a stray hair from her cheek to behind her ear.

"I hurt to know that someone you cared about could think so little of you to be easily swayed by someone else's words. I thought she knew me, who I was. I was wrong. She never really knew me. Not the way she said she did." His hand stayed by her cheek, his thumb slowly caressing her soft skin. "Not like you do."

The feel of his fingers on her cheek caused her whole body to warm. The look in his eyes as he was speaking spoke volumes to her. He still cared. How much, she didn't want to hope.

"It's easy to see who you really are, Jason. You are loyal and loving; you take care of the people you love. Your job doesn't define the person that you are. If they can't see that, they don't deserve you in their life."

His eyes glistened softly with unshed tears. Hearing her defending him, even if it's only to him, made his heart soar. This woman has always had his back, through everything. He was mentally kicking himself for being so blind all these years.

"Thank you. Thank you for always being here for me, even when I don't even know I need it."

"We're there for each other." She swallowed a lump in her throat. "That's what friends do."

Jason shook his head, his thumb still caressing her cheek. "We'll always be more than friends. So much more."

Without either realizing it, their heads moved closer together, until they were barely an inch apart. Jason's eyes drifted down to her lips, watching as she nervously snaked her tongue out to wet them. Unable to hold back, he closed the small distance, placing a small, soft, tender kiss on them.

Elizabeth's eyes fluttered closed at the intense feeling of his mouth on hers, her free hand moving to his cheek. When they broke from the first kiss, barely a second passed before she slid her hand behind his neck, and guided him in for another, more passionate kiss. She slid her tongue out and glided it softly along his lips, requesting access. He complied immediately, both gliding their tongues along each others, tasting each other, reconnecting their mouths, just as they had reconnected their souls.

Finally breaking for air, Jason looked at her. Her face was flushed, her lips swollen. Her eyes were still closed, and a small smile was on her lips. He thought he never saw anything so beautiful as she looked right then.

Finding her voice after a few moments, she spoke shakily.

"So, what happens now?"

"Now, we go for a ride. Would you mind going nowhere with me for a while?"

She smiled softly, looking into his crystal blue eyes, and nodded.

"I thought you'd never ask."

He stood up and turned around, holding his hand out to help her up.

"I knew you only liked me for my bike."

She took his hand and stood up, laughing louder than she had in a long time.

When she was fully standing, he pulled her flush against his chest, her hands splayed along his strong muscles, looking up at him with adoring eyes.

"Jason, what were you doing here?"

He looked at her and smiled.

"Finding the wind again."

She smirked. "Funny, me too."

He leaned down and kissed her softly again, then pulled away, holding her hand and walking out the door, into whatever their future would hold, together.

**The End**


End file.
